Learning Dependence...

I am a Single, 38-year-old, "never-been-married," extremely independent, self-described "army-of-one" guy. I've been called a Hermit, "Old Man," and many other words by my friends and family... and I've accepted that.

Living alone for the past 20 years, I've developed my own "Mr. Independent" personality. If I need something, I get it. If something needs to be fixed, I fix it. If it's the last straw, I will ask for help. However, I don't want to put people out so I try to make sure that is truly the last straw.

Life sure has changed...

I realized my "independence" was quickly leaving last week... Lying on that road near the Oklahoma City National Memorial, I knew I would need help to move. When the EMT's stood me up to see if I could put any weight on the leg... and watching it buckle... I knew then everything was changing.

It's a sureal experience to watch your friends stare at you while you're lying on a hospital gurney. Some are covering their mouths, some are leaving the room, and some are just looking at you with a tremendous amount of sympathy. You know then they're looking at you differently... you're not the man they once knew.

When you can't lift your leg, and they have to pick up your ankle, it's then you realize that you can't do this alone. When they're doing everything for you and you just have to sit there, you know change is coming. And when you're being told that this is going to be a long, difficult recovery, you know that you're going to need the help of others. Your independence and personal freedoms have left the building...

This week I have had to take down my own walls - those protective independent barriers that have made me who I am today - and allow others to help me in ways I would have never dreamed... or imagined.

There have been times, while watching a program or seeing someone with a disability, that I have thought, "What if that was me?" We take a lot of things for granted when we have "the ability" to do it. But if it's gone, then what?

One of the most independent things we all share is driving... so that has been a common question: "When will you be able to drive again?" Honestly, I have no idea. When I'm sitting, my legs are always kicked out in front of me with a pillow under my left knee. The brace is straight, so there is no bending... and that won't change until June 1 when they take out a pin to allow the brace to bend "slightly."

Given that my pickup truck has 20" wheels, and I have a stepside to get up into it already, I don't think I'll be driving for quite some time. Right now I'm just the passenger... stretched out in the backseat. Sure, this affliction is in my left leg... but it is going to take a lot of effort to just get to that point where I can climb into the vehicle even as a passenger.

Work? That's another interesting question. We all like to work. It's our own "thing." You may be a mother/father/husband/wife, but your work is basically who you are away from your home.

Now if driving isn't happening, then that means someone needs to drive me to and from work (downtown). My goal at this point is to return to work on May 19. However, when I actually walk in the door, that is still up in the air. At the present time, I plan to work from home. Thankfully I'm in a job and a group where this is OK.

Walking is another thing that I can't wait to do in a normal fashion. Right now, I'm tied to this walker. If you think I'm just pushing this at normal walking speed and keeping my balance, let me dispel that myth. It's a struggle. Basically, "one foot and then the other." I push the walker about 12 inches forward, then gently lift my left leg/foot. Placing all of the weight on my arms, I then pull the right leg... and start the process over again.

I'm relying 100% on my parents right now. My mom brings me my food and beverage, does my laundry, shops, and drives me around. She is my executive assistant in handling all of the calls from the doctor, pharmacist, friends, family, and my company. She's just incredible...

Joel, my stepdad, is helping out as well. He plans to take care of my yard this summer, even though I've told him that others have offered to mow. He lifts my leg for me when I'm getting up or off this couch, brings me newspapers, and generally is the last one up to make sure I have everything I need.

There are dozens of other things I could write about, but you get the drift of what I'm saying. Your homework assignment is to think of the things you do each day, and think how that would be impacted if you had a bum leg like mine.

I am not used to this at all, and it's killing me to not be able to live "life as usual."

However... I've been thinking. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Maybe God is trying to teach me something here? Maybe I will be a changed person after all of this? Maybe I won't be so "closed off," instead being more open to others?

Maybe those walls will go down...

I don't think I'll ever be fully "Mr. Dependent," but maybe in the end I'll learn to be less of an "Army of One."