The Big Question...

Do you remember that classic SNL skit parodying the Total cereal called "Colon Blow?" It was Phil Hartman talking about how many bowls of cereal one would have to eat to equal the power of one bowl of Colon Blow...

I think if this cereal was real, my mom would have me eat several bowls...

Living with my folks is funny. Think about it - we are all at stages of our lives where we have our own routines... habits... privacies. However, when it comes to my bowels, that appears to be just a general topic and a "regular" conversation...

To say my mom is focused on the "output" part of my bodily functionality would be an understatement. Since Friday, her number one priority is my number two!

So since we're all talking about it over here, why not bring it up to the world??? Heck, we're all friends... right???

I should have known the depths she would go to get things rockin'. She's a well-known hypochondriac in the family. I think she would agree with that statement, so I'm not airing anything she wouldn't approve.

On Friday afternoon, she was a bit overwhelmed by all of the care that was facing her. She drove up to her friend's house in Frisco to get "disability aids." She was gone a really long time... that's not a good sign.

Now you gotta remember - Friday, I was just out of the hospital. I still had the remnants of morphine coursing through my system, as well as the world's strongest pain killer (according to relatives who have taken it before). So when she comes back with a "toilet-on-a-walker," I was a bit surprised... to say the least.

First of all, she brought it into the room where I'm staying. "Just get on it and I'll clean it up afterwards." Uh, that's NOT going to happen. I don't need my "business" to be out in public... and I certainly don't want to be sleeping near my "business." We don't even do that while camping!

Yesterday she figured out it can go right above the toilet. Well, let me just say that it's like climbing up on Mt. Everest - you're WAY up there. And then, there's quite a bit of distance between "Point A" and "Point B." Nice...

Picture this: You're left leg is straight. You can't bend it. It has pins and wires in the knee. Therefore, how do you sit down on a toilet with it fully extended? Pretty difficult... so that's why it's so dang high.

But believe me, I feel like one of those circus performers sitting on the top of a diving board high above the Big Top... and getting ready to dive into a bucket. That's about how big of a distance it feels like...

Now, since things haven't been going naturally South of the Border, she has decided to pump me full of everything imaginable. Fruit, oatmeal, fiber cookies, stool softeners, prunes... yes... prunes. This old man going around on his walker is now eating prunes. Great Googly Moogly...

This morning, we went over to my house so I could shower (it's just easier to go to my house and do it) and get a few things. As we're driving back, there's a bit of a silence. Then she says something. When I asked her to repeat it, she said "I spoke with Rachel yesterday and I'm going to buy you a bunch of Fiber One products." Good gravy...

So it's not really about the leg anymore... it's more about other "issues." It's just funny... and I know that the inevitable question will always and continuously be asked while I'm here... "Have you gone yet?"

Let's just focus on the knee for now... and everything else will work itself out.