One Year Ago...

At this time, I had completed an 11-mile run. I was gearing up for my Half-Marathon...

It's so odd to think that 11 months and 3 weeks ago from today, I hadn't the faintest idea that in one week my life would change dramatically.

I guess it hit me tonight. As I filled up the ziplock bag with ice and placed it on my knee, I thought, "Damn... what a year."

Many of you probably don't know this, but my life is not what it used to be. It still surprises me whenever someone asks, "So... you running yet?"

No. I'm not running "yet." I don't know if I'll ever run again. I'm just as happy to walk at this point.

The knee hurts all the time. If I'm standing and talking with you, you probably wouldn't know this but I'm actually leaning towards the non-painful side.

I don't even know how to describe the pain...

"Ongoing"
"Constant"
"Never ending..."

Running? That's crazy-talk. I just want to walk like a normal person. Walking... I think I look like I'm "strutting" or something. I'm not. I'm focused... I'm pushing myself... I'm willing my crappy leg just to move.

Most people don't have a clue until they see me maneuver stairs/steps. Or, if they're walking near me, they have to slow down...

Today was the anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombing. It was tragic... unbelievable evil happened that day. The picture of the fireman holding the baby hit me especially hard today... "Why did someone knowingly do that... especially if they scouted the place and saw that there was a daycare." Just one of the thoughts in my mind...

Maybe some of you remembered... but for me, it was personal on a variety of levels. I found myself looking through the pictures of the heroes... the victims... the building... the surrounding buildings.

It hit me: You lied on that street like so many of the other victims. Not that I can share in that, but I was on that street. I was helped by my friends. The people of Oklahoma. The citizens. The servants. The heroes.

It was hard today... a wellspring of emotions hit me because I wanted to run last year for the victims... the heroes... to show that I remembered.

It's incredible that I went up to Oklahoma City to run for "them" but I returned a much different man than I ever dreamed...

I'm doing my best not to focus on what I lost but on what I have left to achieve in my life. I have no idea if I'll ever run again... I just know what life is like in the here and now.

Part of me feels crappy... like on nights like tonight where it hurts. Or I want my old life back...

It's hard... it's painful. There are days I wish I could amputate my leg right above the knee. I know that sounds bad but it is what it is... today is one of those days. Would it be a better quality of life to not have to deal with the knee? Yes... that's what goes through the mind...

But all in all, I'm here. I'm moving on with my life. And my one year anniversary is less than a week away.

I don't know why the knee hurts tonight. I haven't done anything on it... in fact, this weekend I kept it pretty "easy." But, there it is. Damaged. Dented. Hurting. Not much change from the normacly...

So I guess through my "rambling" I just want to say that while you may be reading this for my "progress" or "what is going on" in my life, don't forget the people of Oklahoma. The victims. The families. The heroes.

That's why I ran... I wanted to run a "special" race... I just had no idea how long it would last.

What a hell of a year...